Arnold Speaks

Hello, how are you? It's me: Arnold Schwarzenegger. As I'm sure you know by now, Robert Salladay of the Los Angeles Times recently recognized my work in his blog "Political Muscle". I just want to thank him and tell him I think "Political Muscle" is a great name for a blog. I try to build up my political muscle everyday by doing a hundred political sit-ups, three hundred political push-ups, and drinking five political protein shakes. It doesn't leave me much time for actual politicking, but it does keep me in shape.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Interprets His Dreams

The Human Report — Thu, 11 Jan 2007 18:27:00 +0000

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a very mysterious dream.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Yells at Health Care

The Human Report — Wed, 10 Jan 2007 23:43:00 +0000

Good morning. How are you? This is your governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Let's talk about health care. Right now the health care system in California is like a giant, mouldy, rotten pumpkin that has been sitting in the sun since Halloween. In short, it stinks. Hospitals and doctors charge far too much for their services, insurance companies are increasing their premiums while making it a routine policy to deny as many medical claims as possible and frustrate their customers with rules and forms that are totally incomprehensible. There is no doubt in my mind that the Health Care System in California is on a "Highway to Hell". Sooner or later, the whole thing is going to blow up in our faces. Well, I am not going to wait for that day. I am going to blow it up now. I know that the only way to change some things is to destroy it and then rebuild it. So that is my plan. And all the insurance and medical lobbyists who want to try to stop me better remember one thing. I cannot be stopped.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Vents about Colors

Michael Bellavia — Tue, 09 Jan 2007 22:29:00 +0000

Arnold Schwarzenegger and colors don't mix.

It's Easier To Be Lindsay Lohan Than Arnold Schwarzenegger

The Human Report — Fri, 05 Jan 2007 21:37:00 +0000

Hi, it’s me, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Welcome back to my webpage. I see Lindsay Lohan went to the doctor saying she had an appendicitis and they immediately believed her. Good for her. It’s a little harder to convince people you’re hurt when you’re the Terminator. That is my curse. Take my recent femur fracture on the ski slopes for example. After I hurt it, I told Maria, “Hey, I think I broke my femur in two,” and she just said, “Yeah, right. Is this another one of your jokes?” Then I said, “Not this time, Maria. I’m telling you: it really hurts.” But she still didn’t believe me. So after I did a few more runs on the mountain, I told my friends, “Hey, I wasn’t kidding back there. My femur definitely needs repair,” and they just said, “Haha, very funny, Arnold. Why don't you get a knife, cut the fake skin on your leg and show us your tunsgten titanium femur which can't be broken because that alloy is indestructible?" I told them, "Please, listen to me, that movie is science fiction, my fractured femur is science reality." I showed them the bone sticking through my skin and they just laughed. "Nice special effects, Arnold." So I went to the bar for a couple of drinks to relieve my pain and, thank God, I ran into a Venezuelan orthopedic surgeon who had never seen the Terminator. Long story short: Lindsay doesn’t know how good she's got it.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Hates the Liberal Press, Murderers, and Compassion

The Human Report — Fri, 05 Jan 2007 00:53:00 +0000

Arnold Schwarzenegger wants a word with lethal injections.

Saddam Hussein Hanging Video: Two Thumbs Down

The Human Report — Thu, 04 Jan 2007 18:24:00 +0000

Hi. This is Arnold Schwarzenegger. I saw this video of Saddam Hussein being hung. I think they should have hung the cameraman for his lame cinematography. The hanging of a world class dictator like Saddam Hussein deserves at least 16 mm and a guy operating the camera who doesn't have Parkinson's disease. C'mon! Hussein murdered thousands of people. At least get some good closeups. His hanging should be a blockbuster hit! If people ever find out about all the things I did and decide to hang me, I hope they let me choose the director. I want him to have a good camera so he can see me flex my neck muscles and snap the rope. He’ll also need to do a wide angle shot so the audience can see me destroy everyone in the room. And there would have to be a good boom mic operator for afterwards when I say my catchphrase: “Sorry I couldn’t hang around.”

I am on Team "Britney Spears Was Tired"

The Human Report — Wed, 03 Jan 2007 21:17:00 +0000

Hello, it’s your friend Arnold Schwarzenegger with an update on Britney Spear’s New Year’s Eve “passing out” crisis. Looks like the jury’s still out as to whether she was tired or drank too much. I happen to know for a fact that she was just tired. I mean, wouldn’t you be if you were running around in my dreams all night? HA HA HA. Do you get it? The joke I came up with? God, why is it I never have a pen when I think of these things!

Arnold Schwarzenegger Wishes Everyone a Happy New Year

Michael Bellavia — Wed, 03 Jan 2007 00:53:00 +0000

Arnold Schwarzenegger wishes Blacks, Jews, Gays and everyone else, except illegal immigrants, a Happy New Year.

Happy New Year from Your Future President

The Human Report — Tue, 02 Jan 2007 18:05:00 +0000

How are you? Happy New Year. It's hard to believe it's already 2007. On the other hand, some people find it hard to believe that I am the governor of California. That's the thing about the future. Even though it's hard to believe something will happen, that doesn't stop it from happening. That is why I believe I can become President of the United States. Even though I am a cybernetic machine and current law requires that a President must be a human being doesn’t mean it can't happen. Look at Lance Armstrong. His doctors said he was a dead man. Then he went on to prove them all wrong and win the Tour de France. The odds against him were far greater than the odds against me becoming President. It's one tiny little Constitutional law that can be smashed down when the opportunity is right. So I am just waiting. Waiting for the opportunity to make my move. Waiting for the future to make one of those seemingly "impossible" turns that will put me in the White House as President of the United States. That will be a great day for all the machines in America.

My Apology Week

The Human Report — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 02:14:00 +0000

Good morning. How are you? This is the week between Christmas and New Years when not much goes on in the world. It is a time to forget about work, kick back, and watch a movie or try on those socks you got for Christmas. It's a time to think about all the bad things you did last year and maybe go around and apologize to the people you offended. Maybe you groped some girl at work. Or maybe you pinched a particularly nice ass. Or maybe you couldn't help yourself and cupped a couple of pert breasts with your hands at the water cooler. Maybe you even went so far as to force a woman to have sex with you, pinning her down and, when she tried to resist, telling her, "Do pretend! I know you like it!" Well, this is the time of year to go around and say "I'm sorry." I have devoted seven full days for my apologies this year. I hope the good example I am setting catches on and others join me. It will make for a better world.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Breaks a Leg So You Can Have A Merry Christmas

Michael Bellavia — Sun, 24 Dec 2006 22:07:00 +0000

Arnold Schwarzenegger broke his leg this Christmas so you don't have to. Never ski in Sun Valley the day before Christmas Eve.

I Could Use a New Femur

The Human Report — Sun, 24 Dec 2006 22:02:00 +0000

How are you? It's me Arnold Schwarzenegger. As many of you know, I broke my leg while skiing. Thank you for the kind thoughts by email. But please no more phone calls. My cell bill will be ridiculous. So far there has been no official statement about my accident. So I want to go on the record for how it happened. I was racing Pierce Brosnan down a hill in Sun Valley. And you know, he still thinks he's James Bond and he makes everything, even skiing, some kind of crazy competition. Well, even though I am now a statesman, I still have that competitive drive. So I go after him at my top speed. Then Pierce takes a dangerous short cut off the main run. So, not to be outdone, I follow. But he's smaller than me and that little weasel can squeeze between the pine trunks and overhanging branches. But my massive frame, bulked up from years of weightlifting, turns me into a human battering ram. After several head, face and chest hits with sharp pine branches, I decided to make a hard turn for a clearing. Bad move. It looked like a clearing but it was actually a cliff. I was airborne for a long time, and when I finally landed, I heard my femur snap. Fortunately, Pierce is a good guy and even though he broke his arm and his shoulder blade going through the trees, he came back to help me. He built an Indian travois out of branches and dragged me back to the lodge where I am now resting comfortably. I guess our days as 007 and the Terminator are over.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Apologizes

Michael Bellavia — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 23:42:00 +0000

Arnold Schwarzenegger apologizes to minorities everywhere.

My Story About Egg Nog by Arnold Schwarzenegger

The Human Report — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 22:03:00 +0000

It's me Arnold Schwarzenegger. How are you? I am terrible. I just threw up about two quarts of egg nog, half of it all over Maria. She's been in the shower for three hours trying to get the stink of that egg nog off her. Who the hell invented egg nog anyway? I put my money on Ebenezer Scrooge. It was probably that last mean thing he did before he saw the ghosts and became a good guy. The problem with egg nog is that it's like milk that has gone bad with egg in it. Then you load it up with rum so people forget the curdling mess they are drinking. But I'll tell you who doesn't forget: Mr. Stomach! And after my tenth egg nog tonight, Mr. Stomach decided to give it all back to me. Oh well! A lesson learned. No more egg nog for me—EVER! Gee, Maria is still in the shower. She's too skinny to let water beat on her that long. I better go get her out before she turns into a skeleton. Hasta la vista, baby!

I Have the Solution for Carmelo, TO, and Sports

The Human Report — Wed, 20 Dec 2006 18:29:00 +0000

Hi, Arnold Schwarzenegger here. Did you notice how many athletes are behaving badly lately? Carmelo Anthony is suspended for fifteen games for punching a basketball player in the face and Terrell Owens has to pay $35,000 for spitting in a football player’s face. I think the problem is that these athletes need a healthy, organized outlet for this type of behavior. How about adapting some current sports to include punching and spitting. Maybe Punching and Spitting Soccer, Punching and Spitting One-Mile Run, or just Boxing with Spitting. I don’t know—I’m just spit-balling here. (Hey, if you add punching to that, there’s another sport that even businessmen could enjoy.)

My Christmas Wish

Michael Bellavia — Tue, 19 Dec 2006 19:55:00 +0000

What does the X stand for in Xmas?