My Apology Week

Good morning. How are you? This is the week between Christmas and New Years when not much goes on in the world. It is a time to forget about work, kick back, and watch a movie or try on those socks you got for Christmas. It's a time to think about all the bad things you did last year and maybe go around and apologize to the people you offended. Maybe you groped some girl at work. Or maybe you pinched a particularly nice ass. Or maybe you couldn't help yourself and cupped a couple of pert breasts with your hands at the water cooler. Maybe you even went so far as to force a woman to have sex with you, pinning her down and, when she tried to resist, telling her, "Do pretend! I know you like it!" Well, this is the time of year to go around and say "I'm sorry." I have devoted seven full days for my apologies this year. I hope the good example I am setting catches on and others join me. It will make for a better world.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Breaks a Leg So You Can Have A Merry Christmas

Arnold Schwarzenegger broke his leg this Christmas so you don't have to. Never ski in Sun Valley the day before Christmas Eve.

My Story About Egg Nog by Arnold Schwarzenegger

It's me Arnold Schwarzenegger. How are you? I am terrible. I just threw up about two quarts of egg nog, half of it all over Maria. She's been in the shower for three hours trying to get the stink of that egg nog off her. Who the hell invented egg nog anyway? I put my money on Ebenezer Scrooge. It was probably that last mean thing he did before he saw the ghosts and became a good guy. The problem with egg nog is that it's like milk that has gone bad with egg in it. Then you load it up with rum so people forget the curdling mess they are drinking. But I'll tell you who doesn't forget: Mr. Stomach! And after my tenth egg nog tonight, Mr. Stomach decided to give it all back to me. Oh well! A lesson learned. No more egg nog for me—EVER! Gee, Maria is still in the shower. She's too skinny to let water beat on her that long. I better go get her out before she turns into a skeleton. Hasta la vista, baby!

My Christmas Wish

What does the X stand for in Xmas?

It's Time for "Time Magazine" to Rethink Things

Hi, everyone—it’s me, your friend Arnold Schwarzenegger. I just read I’ve been snubbed again for “Time Magazine” Man of the Year. What are they thinking? They probably picked some idiot like the Pope or George W. Bush again! He already won twice! It's not fair to pick him again. This is just one of a series of disappointments that have plagued me this week. Last Friday I went to Hawaii for Christmas break, then my advisors informed me Christmas break doesn’t start till next Friday and I had to come back and be governor for another week. It gets worse. When I was driving back home from the airport in my Hummer, I ran over a raccoon. I love racoons! Why did this have to happen?!?! Can't the department of fish and game contain these animals in their own safe area and keep them out of Brentwood? I took the poor critter home and buried it out back with all the other animals I have killed with my Hummer. Somehow I have to use my powers as governor to stop this senseless carnage. Maybe after Christmas break.

I’d Like to Have a Word with Hanukkah

I think it’s time we rethink this whole Chanukkah thing.