Arnold Schwarzenegger Puts Governing Aside to Think About Animals

Arnold Schwarzenegger wonders what life would be like if animals had feelings.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Loves Surprises

Arnold Schwarzenegger finally surprised Maria.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Interprets His Dreams

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a very mysterious dream.

My Story About Egg Nog by Arnold Schwarzenegger

It's me Arnold Schwarzenegger. How are you? I am terrible. I just threw up about two quarts of egg nog, half of it all over Maria. She's been in the shower for three hours trying to get the stink of that egg nog off her. Who the hell invented egg nog anyway? I put my money on Ebenezer Scrooge. It was probably that last mean thing he did before he saw the ghosts and became a good guy. The problem with egg nog is that it's like milk that has gone bad with egg in it. Then you load it up with rum so people forget the curdling mess they are drinking. But I'll tell you who doesn't forget: Mr. Stomach! And after my tenth egg nog tonight, Mr. Stomach decided to give it all back to me. Oh well! A lesson learned. No more egg nog for me—EVER! Gee, Maria is still in the shower. She's too skinny to let water beat on her that long. I better go get her out before she turns into a skeleton. Hasta la vista, baby!

I Have Something To Say To The Carey Sisters

I see Mariah Carey is complaining about Mary Carey’s effort to trademark her name because their names sound so similar. Mary, I think it is a good idea to trademark your name. Mariah has been piggybacking your success for too long. Just the other day I was buying CDs at a convenience store and I saw a CD and thought, “Oh look, Mary Carey has made a CD. If this is half as good as Boobsville Sorority Girls, then it’s a must-have.” I then bought it, only to find out it had songs about love and butterflies and dancing. It was not the same Mary Carey my wife and I fall asleep to every night.