My Apology Week

Good morning. How are you? This is the week between Christmas and New Years when not much goes on in the world. It is a time to forget about work, kick back, and watch a movie or try on those socks you got for Christmas. It's a time to think about all the bad things you did last year and maybe go around and apologize to the people you offended. Maybe you groped some girl at work. Or maybe you pinched a particularly nice ass. Or maybe you couldn't help yourself and cupped a couple of pert breasts with your hands at the water cooler. Maybe you even went so far as to force a woman to have sex with you, pinning her down and, when she tried to resist, telling her, "Do pretend! I know you like it!" Well, this is the time of year to go around and say "I'm sorry." I have devoted seven full days for my apologies this year. I hope the good example I am setting catches on and others join me. It will make for a better world.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Breaks a Leg So You Can Have A Merry Christmas

Arnold Schwarzenegger broke his leg this Christmas so you don't have to. Never ski in Sun Valley the day before Christmas Eve.

I Could Use a New Femur

How are you? It's me Arnold Schwarzenegger. As many of you know, I broke my leg while skiing. Thank you for the kind thoughts by email. But please no more phone calls. My cell bill will be ridiculous. So far there has been no official statement about my accident. So I want to go on the record for how it happened. I was racing Pierce Brosnan down a hill in Sun Valley. And you know, he still thinks he's James Bond and he makes everything, even skiing, some kind of crazy competition. Well, even though I am now a statesman, I still have that competitive drive. So I go after him at my top speed. Then Pierce takes a dangerous short cut off the main run. So, not to be outdone, I follow. But he's smaller than me and that little weasel can squeeze between the pine trunks and overhanging branches. But my massive frame, bulked up from years of weightlifting, turns me into a human battering ram. After several head, face and chest hits with sharp pine branches, I decided to make a hard turn for a clearing. Bad move. It looked like a clearing but it was actually a cliff. I was airborne for a long time, and when I finally landed, I heard my femur snap. Fortunately, Pierce is a good guy and even though he broke his arm and his shoulder blade going through the trees, he came back to help me. He built an Indian travois out of branches and dragged me back to the lodge where I am now resting comfortably. I guess our days as 007 and the Terminator are over.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Apologizes

Arnold Schwarzenegger apologizes to minorities everywhere.

My Story About Egg Nog by Arnold Schwarzenegger

It's me Arnold Schwarzenegger. How are you? I am terrible. I just threw up about two quarts of egg nog, half of it all over Maria. She's been in the shower for three hours trying to get the stink of that egg nog off her. Who the hell invented egg nog anyway? I put my money on Ebenezer Scrooge. It was probably that last mean thing he did before he saw the ghosts and became a good guy. The problem with egg nog is that it's like milk that has gone bad with egg in it. Then you load it up with rum so people forget the curdling mess they are drinking. But I'll tell you who doesn't forget: Mr. Stomach! And after my tenth egg nog tonight, Mr. Stomach decided to give it all back to me. Oh well! A lesson learned. No more egg nog for me—EVER! Gee, Maria is still in the shower. She's too skinny to let water beat on her that long. I better go get her out before she turns into a skeleton. Hasta la vista, baby!

I Have the Solution for Carmelo, TO, and Sports

Hi, Arnold Schwarzenegger here. Did you notice how many athletes are behaving badly lately? Carmelo Anthony is suspended for fifteen games for punching a basketball player in the face and Terrell Owens has to pay $35,000 for spitting in a football player’s face. I think the problem is that these athletes need a healthy, organized outlet for this type of behavior. How about adapting some current sports to include punching and spitting. Maybe Punching and Spitting Soccer, Punching and Spitting One-Mile Run, or just Boxing with Spitting. I don’t know—I’m just spit-balling here. (Hey, if you add punching to that, there’s another sport that even businessmen could enjoy.)

My Christmas Wish

What does the X stand for in Xmas?

Rabbi Schwarzenegger Here

Here I am trying to help the Jews forget about their worries by dancing. As a governor, it is my job to go around to all the ethnic minorities and try to cheer them up. I told these important Jews, "Sometimes when you are burdened by worries that the world is still out to get you, the only way to lift those worries is to dance. So come on! Forget about your problems and kick those Jewish feet in the air!"

Use Drugs Responsibly, Miss USA

Hey, it’s me Arnold Schwarzenegger with some comments on the news of the week. I guess you heard Miss USA, Tara Connor, has gotten in some hot water for her drug use and partying. Tara should know better. You can't do recreational drugs when you are a title holder. Back when I was Mr. Universe, I had a lot of responsibility because I was in charge of the entire universe. I missed a lot of parties and avoided a lot of drugs because I had to make sure all the galaxies, planets, and stars were running smoothly. Tara should’ve learned from the mistake made by this year's Mr. Universe, Luco Lacobucci. No sooner does Luco get the title than Pluto loses its status as a planet. He was probably higher than a kite when the astronomers met in Prague and voted Pluto out of the Solar System. Shame on both of you for your crazy drug abuse.

It's Time for "Time Magazine" to Rethink Things

Hi, everyone—it’s me, your friend Arnold Schwarzenegger. I just read I’ve been snubbed again for “Time Magazine” Man of the Year. What are they thinking? They probably picked some idiot like the Pope or George W. Bush again! He already won twice! It's not fair to pick him again. This is just one of a series of disappointments that have plagued me this week. Last Friday I went to Hawaii for Christmas break, then my advisors informed me Christmas break doesn’t start till next Friday and I had to come back and be governor for another week. It gets worse. When I was driving back home from the airport in my Hummer, I ran over a raccoon. I love racoons! Why did this have to happen?!?! Can't the department of fish and game contain these animals in their own safe area and keep them out of Brentwood? I took the poor critter home and buried it out back with all the other animals I have killed with my Hummer. Somehow I have to use my powers as governor to stop this senseless carnage. Maybe after Christmas break.

I’d Like to Have a Word with Hanukkah

I think it’s time we rethink this whole Chanukkah thing.

Now I Want To Talk About Kanye West

Hey, it’s me, Arnold Schwarzenegger. How are you? I’m not doing too hot. I recently saw that Kanye West is getting in trouble for pretending to be Evil Knievel in a music video. That’s too bad. I think pretending to be like something you’re not is fun. For example, I pretended to be a kindergarten policeman in “Kindergarten Cop”, then a twin brother in the smash hit “Twins”, then an actor in “Jingle All the Way”. Lately I’ve been pretending to be Governor.

I'm Here For You, Lindsay Lohan

Hey, it’s me, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Governor of California. I would like to reach out to Lindsay Lohan on her journey to become sober. May I suggest some activities that she could do to keep from thinking about drinking. Things like making a sandwich then making another sandwich and seeing if you can make it bigger than the first one. Maybe round up some goats and start your own farm with cows and ears of corn. You could also invent something that hasn’t even been thought of yet. Or memorize all the letters of the alphabet then mix them up to make words like “basketball” and “pizza ball”. Even words without the word “ball”, like, I don’t know—I’m sure there’s lots of them.

I Have Something To Say To The Carey Sisters

I see Mariah Carey is complaining about Mary Carey’s effort to trademark her name because their names sound so similar. Mary, I think it is a good idea to trademark your name. Mariah has been piggybacking your success for too long. Just the other day I was buying CDs at a convenience store and I saw a CD and thought, “Oh look, Mary Carey has made a CD. If this is half as good as Boobsville Sorority Girls, then it’s a must-have.” I then bought it, only to find out it had songs about love and butterflies and dancing. It was not the same Mary Carey my wife and I fall asleep to every night.

Mary Is Quite Contrary

How are you? It's me, Arnold. I hear Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter, Mary, is pregnant. It seems like somebody isn't as gay as she says she is. For sure Mary has got some guy to do some diving into the dark, parallel parking, horizontal jogging, or whatever you call it at your house (in Austria we call it indoor sledging). But back to that guy. Now what? She says goodbye to him and goes back to her gay lover? I hate it when men get used like that. It's a crazy world!

Thank You

I just want to thank the following websites for recognizing the undeniable excellence of my webpage. Once my webpage becomes self-aware, your websites and your families will be spared.

http://www.adrants.com
http://ettf.net
http://timkeil.blogspot.com
http://iyifikir.blogspot.com
http://think.com.my/index.cfm
http://emmebi.blogspot.com

I Miss the Old Britney

It's me, Arnold. Okay, Britney Spears just had babies and got divorced and now she's running around nightclubs in New York with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan wearing no underwear. Who is taking care of her children??? This spoiled little rich brat needs to be put over someone's knee and have her bare ass spanked until she comes to her senses. I will do it. But only because I love children.

Mel Gibson's Apocolypto

How are you? It's me Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'm beginning to think Mel Gibson is crazy. Not because he screams at Jewish cops, but because of the movies he is doing. First he does Passion of the Christ and all the dialogue is in Arameic. Now he is doing Apocolypto and all the dialogue is Mayan. Has he given up on English? What the hell is he thinking? It would be hard enough to understand his movies in English, but this new trick of picking an old language that nobody speaks anymore is making his movies like 35 mm Rubik's Cubes. Why doesn't he go back to movies like "The Man Without a Face"? It wasn't a great movie, but it had a great scary title and at least I could understand it. Personally, I think he is cheating on his rehab and his movies bear that out.

So About This Moon

I hear that NASA wants to put a base on the moon. If we do this, I would like to nominate myself for President of the Moon. I think my resumé speaks for itself: I’ve already been Mr. Universe, the Governor of California, and I’ve acted on another planet in the blockbuster hit “Total Recall”, a performance critics considered “out of this world”. Or if you don’t want me to be President, I’d happily be King of the Moon. If elected, my first order of business would be to end illegal lunar immigration by building a fence around the moon. Then I’d take all necessary precautions to make sure the fence doesn’t float away. After that I’d probably come up with some fun holidays—like Moon Christmas and Moon Martin Luther King Day. We don’t want to get too bored up there.

Things That Made Me Sad: John Bolton

I'm very sad to hear about Mr. Bolton resigning as U.S. ambassador to the U.N. On the bright side, he can now become the new Colonel Sanders for Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Condolences to Lance Bass and His Ex-Boyfriend

I just want to express my condolences to Lance Bass and his ex-boyfriend. Separations are never easy. It's just like when I left Austria. But that turned out alright for me -- if I had stayed, I would never have become the Governor of Austria.

This One is to Hugo Chavez

I’m disappointed that the people of Venezuala reelected Hugo Chavez. He believes George Bush is the devil. Don’t those Venezuelans know anything? I defeated the devil in "End of Days". Maybe if they crawled out of their meth labs and went to a movie once in awhile they’d be better informed voters.

A Message to Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay, I want you to know that, after reading your letter about Robert Altman's death, I did what I'm assuming most Americans did: rented some of his movies to find out who he was. After watching them, I realized why I never heard of him:

(1) There are no explosions in his movies.

Lindsay, your letter should've said: "I'm so sorry Mr. Altman decided not to use more explosions in his movies."

You also "Be Adequite", whatever that means.

Your friend and Governor,

Arnold