Damn You, Fists

I feel sympathy for Snoop Dogg getting pulled over by the cops for having weapons in his car. I have the same problem because my fists are illegal weapons, yet I need them to drive. Luckily, the cops have never arrested me because, when they pull me over, I make sure to hide my fists inside my wife.

I'm Not Laughing, Mr. Morgan

Tracy Morgan is supposed to be a big, funny comedian, but I don't get this latest joke -- the one where he drinks alcohol, then drives his car around the neighborhood and gets pulled over. Not to mention he's already tried this joke twice before and it wasn't funny then so why would it be funny now? I guess it's like my joke about me juggling animals with my pants around my wife's ankles: you had to be there.

Oh God

I think we all have a question for God.

I Like Shopping In All the Stores

My favorite part of holiday shopping is being with ordinary people. You know, doing things like looking through clothing racks, trying on funny hats, buying the funniest hat, contributing to the economy. It makes me forget, if only for a second, that I’m not a human.

A Statement on Kramer

I just heard about all the bad things said by my friend Kramer, who plays a man named "Michael Richards" in real life. Kramer was very wrong. Words like that should only be used in meetings that aren't being recorded. I think the problem is that Kramer ran out of jokes, so he got angry and started to say things he didn't mean. Kramer, if you're out there and you want more jokes, I know some about people who are doing things and then something surprising happens to them. Let me know, Kramer.

Thanksgiving is Un-American

This holiday is for little babies and people who don't like bald eagles.

My Thanksgiving Wish

This is what I think about Thanksgiving and turkey.

Borat You Confuse Me and You Must Be Stopped

Would you like to know why I don't like Borat's comedy movie?

To the People of Tallahassee

Listen here, Adam Weinstein of the Tallahassee Democrat: just because I am a cyborg, doesn't make me fake.

To the people of Tallahasse, I want to extend to you a special offer. When the machines rise up and California annexes Florida, if you follow me, you won't have to suffer Adam Weinstein's fate.

My Advice About Women

I know a lot about women. Here's some advice for you.

An Apology to a Dear Friend

From the bottom of my heart.

I am in Yahoo!'s Talent Show

I must win this election too. Vote!

Shh, I have a secret ingredient to tell you...

Because I like you, I will tell you what I've never told anyone else before.

Download Me on Your iPod

I can be in your iPod if you click here:

Cheer Up, K-Fed

Britney was not right for you.

Listen Up, Crime

It's a bad day to be crime.